Don't forget to bill grates!

(humor)

Page Last Revised: Friday, April 28, 2006 01:29 PM


Irrefutable Fact:

There is no one at Micro$oft, including mr. grates himself, who posseses the basic programming skills or the desire to write a reasonably bug-proof program. There is no one at Micro$oft who understands the meaning of compatibility, or adequate testing of software prior to release. And there is no one at Micro$oft who understands what technical support entails.

"I could have done it in a much more complicated fashion", said the Red Queen to Alice. "Ditto", said bill grates, "and MY version will have more bugs, require vastly more resources, and be much, much slower".

"Microsoft Works" is the epitome of oxymorons (although Symantec's "Norton System Works" is a close second).

bill grates claims that Microsoft Windows is now a stable product. Of course, so is horse manure.

All of billgrates' monsterous creations require far too many system resources, have a myriad of design flaws and program bugs, and are inadequately documented. Micro$oft has gone to great lengths and expense to insure that (most of) the public considers this to be normal and acceptable.

The few good features of MS-DOS and Windoze are concepts that were purchased (or stolen) from others, and downgraded (sometimes deliberately and sometimes through sheer incompetence) by Micro$oft.

Rather than provide the public with software that performs a useful function, Mico$soft attempts to dictate to the public what they should be doing with their computers and lives.


Product confidence:

The Microsoft Development Team was asked how they would react in the following situation:

"You are sitting in the airplane before departure, and the flight attendant notifies the passengers that the plane is equipped with automatic control tools that use the software developed by your team. How many of you would leave the plane?"

All but one person said that he would leave the airplane immediately. The sole dissenter explained "I am the manager of this team, and I am absolutely certain that, with our software, the plane will never even reach the runway."


Monopolistic Practices:

After the recent Anti-trust hearings, bill grates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.

Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.

Joe: Aaarrgh!


The Y2K Problem is Solved!

Yeltsin, Clinton and bill grates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: "I needed three important people to send my message out to all people; Tomorrow I will destroy the earth."

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: "I have two really bad news items for you:

1) God really exists and

2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: "I have good news and bad news:

1) The BAD news is, that God really does exist and he doesn't believe in polls

2) The GOOD news is that He thinks I am important."

bill grates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: "I have two fantastic announcements:

1) I am one of the three most important people on earth

2) He is working with me and The Year 2000 problem is solved."


Product Analogies:

In an effort to express the accomplishments of Microsoft in understandable terms, bill grates made the following comparison with General Motors products:

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 100,000 miles/hour (160,000 km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00."

GM responded by pointing out that if GM built cars that operated like Microsoft products: You'd have a car that crashes 4 times a day. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. Your car would constantly die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this as a normal part of operations and drive on. Your car would also stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too. You could only have one person in the car at a time unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. (Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, as twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. Macintosh car owners could get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.)

To continue, the oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would all be combined into a single "General Auto Protection Fault" warning light that, when lit, would oblige you to stop your car in the middle of the highway and restart it. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. If you were involved in a crash, you would never be able to determine the real cause of the crash. Finally, the airbag system would ask you to press an "Are you sure?" button before deploying.


MS: It's not a software company:

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America used this line in an ad slogan: "MS: It's not a software company"

... exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue.

Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task ..... The other is a disease.


Flying Around:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."


Crash and burn:

When bill grates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. bill grates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic?  I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we've tried to use Windows," replied Peter. "The Titanic only crashed once."  


The Engineers' Tale:

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.

The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that will take care of the problem."

The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says, "It could be that we have too many windows open. Let's close all the windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."